No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
