I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
