Yo dont text me then not text me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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