I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
