she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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