If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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