Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
