I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
