my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
