my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
