You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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