Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
