i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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