Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize