apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
