who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
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