Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
