After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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