I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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