That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
