but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
