Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
