I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
