shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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