Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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