It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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