last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Shame - the story of my life.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
