you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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