I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
