you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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