Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
