Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
