Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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