yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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