There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
