idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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