remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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