if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
