Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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