between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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