he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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