I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
