We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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