when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
