so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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