remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
