defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
