Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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