I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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