She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
