Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
