I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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