I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
pop tarts are not kleenex
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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