yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
