In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
