My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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