You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
