You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
