If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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