Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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