Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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