the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He shit in the fireplace
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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